wonder

there's something crazy about curiosity. we all have something intertwined in the makings of our brain that cause us to wonder. we're always gawking over things bigger than us. mostly things we don't understand. somethings we will, while most others we will not.

like gifts. we receive, with no intention of giving back. feeling so happy, loved, wanted, needed, cared for, until we whimsically open the wonderfully wrapped treat. something happens. maybe responsibility, or maybe even duty. whatever it is. we have to do something with it. we can't just sit there and bask in the thought of someone taking time for us. we say thank you. which i find to be interesting. what else would there be to say though. we say thank you. and yet somehow that isn't enough. we embrace them with a hand shake, a hug, a kiss, many gratitude's, even the dreaded card. even this isn't enough. we have to repay them somehow, give them something else to show our thanks. as if our excitement and prior thanksgivings weren't enough. are they ever enough? a road block from grace was just formed. a peering inkling of unforgiveness creeps somewhere into the same crevice where our wonder seeps out. which gapes our ability to truly receive. we begin to wonder of our own self. who am i? why am i? how am i? we spin in circles pushing on grounds that never cave in. reach for hand holds on unclimbable walls. seeking for the other side of horizons. think ourselves into pits. then we wonder how we got there. oh ya. i got a gift. and i didn't know what to do with it. feeling lost, we sit with our gift. unable to give thanks. unable to feel loved. unable to feel wanted. unable to feel needed. unable to feel cared for. we sit in wonder. im sweating just thinking of the journey that i don't even have to take.

the same wonder we use to ponder time. and where it will take us. this could be a later topic.

now gifts are something that we will never be able to ruin. no matter how hard we try, we can't fail they're purpose. they're perfect. they're gifts! that's humbling. i hope. all we can do is use them. of coarse, we have to figure out what the heck they are. most don't come with a manual, especially for us men. as we never need help..right? nevertheless, they're placed on our lives with intent of getting some use. but then we wonder. what is this? why is this? how is this? and yet again, to avoid redundancy, we're lost. we have managed to think ourselves into the corner of a room that has no door. which leads to one question. how did we even get in the room if there was no door?

all we needed to do was receive. not hard. and then use it. could be tricky, but still, what kid gets a gift and sits and thinks about how its supposed to work? they play with it. try it out. they push the gift to its limits. but then we hit a problem. we put it in the blue tub, that sits behind the red tub, which is nuzzled behind our polos, dress shirts, and any other clothing item in our closet that doesn't see sunlight. or moonlight for that fact. and why do we do this? because we couldn't accept the fact that it was undoubtedly indeed a gift. and that someone who gifted it to us, thought that we could use it to its full capability.

by these accounts, i have come to the conclusion that we are incapable of receiving gifts. there is no reason for us to keep receiving gifts. and yet they keep coming. call it what you will. as for me. i'll call it grace.

when i asked you what do you think
you responded with a smile and a blink
when you opened your eyes
you turned to me and cried
i knew you were about to lie

when i asked you what was wrong
you responded with a line from that song
when you finished the note
i saw your heart was broke
i was now wishing that this was just a joke

when i asked you where you had been
you responded with a quiver in your chin
and when you spoke
your words were in his cloak
you said this grace thing's causing you to go broke

so i said you want to be found
but you're muting the volume to your sound
you looked at me proudly
but your eyes were still drowning
you said im a captive who wants to be unbound

when i asked you to leave
you struggled in your own disbelief
your eyes fell to the ground
but you finally made a sound
oh ya, you finally made a sound

sometimes we see what only we want to believe
through our misty eyes we try to see the tree
sometimes we walk that hill all alone
dismissing the truth and accepting what is shown.